


Dearest Philippa

by radioactive_violet



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 08:45:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13384275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radioactive_violet/pseuds/radioactive_violet
Summary: A look into Afsaneh Paris' mind during the Klingon War. Based on the song "Dearest Natasha".





	Dearest Philippa

**Author's Note:**

> Song lyrics are not mine.

_My hands are shaking_

_Your eyes are closed_

Afsaneh had just heard the news. She covered her mouth her hands as she read the report. Philippa had been killed. And the Federation was at war.

 

_It feels like a movie tonight when I’m home all alone_

Afsaneh was thankful that she had been pulled from the station to command a ship. The station reminded her of Philippa, so the distance helped. And fighting the war made her feel like she was doing something..  Still, being alone in her quarters hurt. She was still waiting to receive a message from Philippa. Afsaneh desperately wanted their correspondence to continue. She’d give anything to hear Philippa talk about her day one more time.

 

_With the ring for your hand and a letter each day_

_I’ll write more than a thousand just wake up and say you’re ok_

Afsaneh didn’t stop writing. She kept up a sad, one-sided correspondence with her late wife. Her therapist (Kat had insisted that she get counseling) gave her this coping mechanism. And being able to get her thoughts out of her head did help. Even if the inbox that received these messages would never reply.

  


_Are you dreaming now?_

The most that Afsaneh could hope for was that Philippa was in some place better now.

 

_Only you you could calm me down_

Philippa had helped her through the death of her parents. Afsaneh wished she was here now. She knew that her wife would have the right words to calm her.

 

_Dearest Philippa_

_Autumn has arrived_

_Let me just hold your hand to mine_

The Discovery had given them a chance to win the war. They had saved mining colony at Corvan II. However, Afsaneh thought that it was a hollow victory. So many lives had been lost. What is the point if the Federation couldn’t even protect their own citizens?

 

_Dearest Philippa_

_Open your eyes_

_Give me a chance to say I love you and goodbye_

Afsaneh was curled up on her bed, crying. She prayed to Allah to bring Philippa back. “Please. I’ll do anything,” she begged. It was impossible, but she kept hoping that there was a way that her wife could have lived.

 

_Life is a battle I hope to survive_

_I almost died on the field it was you on my mind_

There was no certainty that Afsaneh would live through the war. During one particular battle, the Klingons targeted the warp engines on her ship. They had missed, but close calls make one think. “I’m coming Philippa,” Afsaneh thought as she braced for the impact that never came.

 

_Like the kiss that we had, our first dance in the rain_

_My proposal to you, could you answer I’m going insane_

Afsaneh had always been the bold one in the relationship. She remembered asking her to dance, proposing, asking about having kids ...

 

_"Are you safe and sound?"_

Afsaneh asked her son. She called him as often as she could, which was less than she wanted to. Both were fighting the war and their schedules seldom aligned.

_I’m just glad you’re still around_

She thought. At least her son was alive.

 

_Dearest Philippa_

_Autumn has arrived_

_Let me just hold your hand tonight_

The war continued. There didn’t seem to be an end in sight. Afsaneh just kept working. She filed reports and did her best to keep up with the latest battles. Starfleet had suffered many losses recently. They needed to break the Klingon cloak if there was ever going to be a chance for victory.

 

_Dearest Philippa_

_Open your eyes_

_Give me a chance to say I love you and goodbye_

“Please let her be alive,” Afsaneh prayed. She was referring to two people. Katrina had been captured. Afsaneh had this fantasy of Katrina rescuing her wife. The two would escape together, destroying the ship of the dead once and for all. It was an impossible dream.

 

_The truth is what’s hurting_

_You’re not coming back_

When Katrina had been rescued, she brought back the news of what happened to Philippa’s body. Afsaneh was forced to realize what she had known all along. Her wife would not be coming home.

 

_Are you trying to kill me with silence_

_That used to be soothing_

_Deluding me from this distress_

Philippa’s silence used to be comforting. Afsaneh loved watching her drift off to sleep. Now, the silence of her quarters was so loud that Afsaneh couldn’t stand it.

 

_Every heater is broken_

_I’m crying for you_

Afsaneh was so cold. She had pulled another blanket over herself, but it didn’t help. She was still too cold to sleep.

 

_I just hope you reach the light_

Afsaneh took comfort in the fact that Philippa was safe from the war. Afsaneh imagined afterlife as a place that her wife would enjoy. A beautiful, peaceful planet. Maybe in death Philippa would get what she sought in life.

 

_“Dearest Philippa_

_Your ending has arrived_

_The ring on your hand is mine tonight_

_Thank you Philippa_

“For your love, for our son, for everything”, Afsaneh wrote. This was going to be her last letter. She had grieved enough to be certain of that. She needed to let go.

_This is goodbye_

Afsaneh pressed send.

_Let me just smile and say it’s raining out tonight_

Afsaneh looked out the window of her office on the sprawling metropolis that was Starbase Yorktown. The artificial atmosphere created rain at a random time once every two weeks. She had been stationed at Yorktown since the war had ended three months ago. The war being over finally gave Afsaneh time to process. She hadn’t realized how much the war had affected her. Now that it was over, she felt free to move on.


End file.
